Focus On The Family The Bents In Your Bub
Romans 15: 5 May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,6 that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.7 Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.
Psalms 139: Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
THE BENTS IN YOUR BABY PSALM 139 AND PROVERBS 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.ESV
Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it. Amplified.
That's where the title of the message comes from. .. the individual gifts and bents…in your child!
Is anything more fulfilling (or frustrating), more meaningful (or mysterious), more gratifying (or grueling), more satisfying (or surprising) than rearing your child or children? What a joyful and rewarding experience it can be; at the same time, what a challenging and demanding task! About the time we think we have our arms around the process, we are shaken loose by another obstacle, or we encounter an unexpected problem that we never saw coming.
Sometimes we shake our heads in amazement, overreact in a burst of anger, or drop to our knees in utter exasperation. By the end of the day we land in bed, exhausted and more than a little confused. Ever wondered if you might be going about this business of parenting all wrong?
Could it be that you have never taken the time to examine, in depth, what the Bible teaches about knowing and training your child? Frankly, that is where most mums and dads (even grandparents!)—believers and unbelievers alike—find themselves. God has recorded some vital truths and principles in His Word that must be known and followed if we hope to "get it right." It all starts with discovering your child. Amazingly, in the process you may also discover yourself!
One of the frequently repeated mistakes parents make is thinking that when they have a baby, the infant comes to them like a soft piece of clay, they are a tabla rosa, a blank slate JUST WAITING for you to impart knowledge to them, to write on their slate board.
Most parents believe their child can be easily shaped into what they think is best for him or her—and since they (the parents) believe they know what's best, they train the child in the way they are convinced he or she should go.
It isn't too many years before the fight is on! As time passes, the struggle only intensifies, and the battle with the child's will becomes more difficult. When this occurs, conflicts in the home abound and frustrations mount. And then, before mum and dad are ready for it—those inevitable teenage years arrive, introducing challenges that border the unbearable!
What's wrong? What's missing from this domestic equation? Why is the ongoing battle so difficult? Not only is that child determined to go in another direction from the parent's desire, the rebellion persists no matter how hard they try to deal with it. The problem boils down to the natural "bents" in every baby. What does the child bring with him or her into our world?
Your child is like a beautiful tapestry knit together by God, the master weaver of the soul. David marvelled at God's delicate handiwork: You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13) Your child's hair texture, eye colour, voice, and body shape; personality, interests, moods, and abilities — God entwines all these intricate threads in a unique pattern to create the masterpiece that is your child. These characteristics, or bents, become more visible over time. Each stage of your child's lifespan from infancy, to childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, reveals new features of God's design. Your job as a parent, according to Proverbs 22:6,
"Train up the child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."
- IDENTIFY THE GOD-GIVEN BENTS IN YOUR BUB!
This means training your child so that it is in keeping with his or her individual gift or bent. Seeing the bent accurately is the first parental task; responding appropriately is the second.
According to Psalm 139, God's creative work in our child's life began long before you saw your newborn's face. David composed this ancient hymn in four stanzas.
Just as God was "intimately acquainted" with David's ways, so also is He with your child's ways (verse 3). The Hebrew word for ways is the same word used in Proverbs 22:6 and includes every aspect of your child's being. Your child's sitting and rising (behaviours), ups and downs (moods), comings and goings (pursuits), and even his or her thoughts that are so secret to you are pages of an open book to God. How can God read your child so well? Because He is the author. He wrote the manuscript! Notice God's hand in the composition of your child. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13–15)
God Himself, not some impersonal force of nature, forms each person at conception in the womb. We should therefore value each person as a creation of God.
Sometimes our children may seem exasperating. But God has a purpose in the creation of each one.
Summing up, you can conclude the following: God Himself knit together the fine details of my child. God takes great care in watching over the creative process of each child's "unformed" embryonic stage. The DNA is hooked up just right for God's purposes for each child. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:16)
Training your child involves working with each child for the unique purpose God has for them. What may lie hidden within your child's God-given nature? What interests or talents are there to be developed? What needs or longings does your child have that you need to be specially aware of?
Does your child crave a close relationship? Are there spiritual desires to be developed? What hidden gems have you seen in your child?
Thomas Edison: when he was a little boy, he went to school, and you know what the teacher said? "Take this child out of school; he's too stupid to learn any thing. I can't teach him any thing. He is a stupid child." Do you know what Thomas Edison's mother said? She said, "My boy is not stupid. You just don't understand him. He's not stupid. Give him to me. I'll teach him." And, she taught him. She saw something that a teacher could not see. And, parents, if they are led of the Lord, will understand that they are to "train up a child in the way [that] he should go" (Proverbs 22:6).
No wonder God knows the "days" of your child's life — He formed his or her "ways"! Your child is no mere product of biological chance, in the same way that a palace is no mere pile of randomly tossed bricks. A skilled architect supervised the building process from imagination to blueprints to construction. And so God, the divine Architect, watched over the design of your child.
As a parent, you can cooperate with your child's good bents by watching over your child with the same diligence that God took in His design.
• Avoid re-bending God's bents. Don't try to make your child in your image! They don't have to be the greatest soccer player of all time. Nor the greatest musician. They don't have to fulfil your dreams for you.
• Applaud your child's marvellous qualities when they emerge.
Some are Artistic, Thoughtful, Creative, Focused, Boisterous, Introverted, Easygoing, Sensitive, Verbal, Competitive, Relational, Reserved, or Extroverted. Those are Bents you cannot unbend without crushing your child's personality.
• Celebrate your child's unique bents, rather than compare or show favouritism to the child in the family that is more like you
• Nurture your child's self-image as you tell the story of his or her divine design. And don't forget to tell the rest of the story, which includes not only their good bents but also their bents toward sin.
Resist the temptation to force your child into your own mold.
David admitted there is another problem. Another set of Bents that you and I need to watch out for in our babies. "In sin my mother conceived me" (Psalm 51:5) and Paul's teaching about how "sin entered into the world, and death through sin" (Romans 5:12).
- RESIST THE SIN-LADEN BENTS IN OUR FAMILY BRANCHES
All of us have heard the following statement, "You're just like your father/mother!" Or "The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree." We acknowledge that, being human, we are sinful people—sinners by nature, through choice, and from birth. We were born with the same sinful nature that characterized our parents (Psalm 51:5 "In sin my mother conceived me") and that we "go astray from birth (58:3)." The prophet Isaiah states, "you have been called a rebel from birth (Isaiah 48:8)." Do we inherit the sinful traits that our parents or our grandparents (perhaps, even our great-grandparents) had? Can we trace certain acts of iniquity back to our ancestors? The answer is yes.
Look at Abraham's sin, to say his wife was his sister.. and his son Isaac said the same thing!
We're to train our children according to their God-given bents, and not according to the way we've decided they should go (Proverbs 22:6). We are to cooperate with the good bents, and we are also to counteract the evil bents..
Now you can take a little creek, and you can dig it into a different water course if you wish. But it's hard to dig channels for the Hawkesbury although as we know the government has been trying for ten years. You can take a little plant cutting, and you can make it grow however you wish; but it's hard to bend a tree. You can correct a child when he is a child; but, once he gets to be a man, it's going to be very hard to change him.
Every child is born with a sin nature, which is a general bent toward wrongdoing. David lamented, "For I was born a sinner — yes, from the moment my mother conceived me" (Psalm 51:5 NLT). How can a child be born a sinner? Imputed Sin According to the apostle Paul, the bloodline of sin's curse can be traced to the first human: "When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam's sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned" (Romans 5:12 NLT). Our beautiful cute, shy creation of God bears an imprint of sin that was transmitted from Adam — including sin's condition, guilt, and sin's consequence: spiritual death. Theologians call this "imputed sin."
You can see the bitter fruit of your child's sin nature in his or her defiance, disobedience, out-of-control temper, sneakiness, and just plain old mischievousness or selfishness. Be alert, discerning, and determined to counteract these sinful bents. Nip sinful attitudes and actions in the bud by teaching your child to obey and respect authority.
And then there are the learned Inherited Patterns of sinfulness that run like sap through your family tree from generation to generation. The word iniquity in the phrase "visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren" (Exodus 35:7) is from a Hebrew word meaning "to bend, to twist, to distort, to pervert." Bents of this sort tend to run in families, even to the third and fourth generation. These inherited bents are implanted deep within your child's physical, emotional, and spiritual DNA.
Your responsibility is to counteract sinful family patterns. Seeds of drug dependency, a hot temper, power and control, and other sin problems can sprout from the same family root.
Although children can catch their parents' disease, God has the cure in the atonement of His Son foreshadowed in the sacrificial system and prophesied by Isaiah. By God's grace and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, family patterns of inherited sin can stop with your child — but it takes insight, awareness, and diligence. Stand with God against these inherited sins for the sake of your child!
- UNBENDING THE BENTS
Train up . . ." The word in Hebrew is hanakh. The Hebrew-English lexicon associate the word to an Arabic root, which can mean to "rub [the] palate of a child with chewed dates." In another source, it refers to a midwife rubbing the "palate of a new-born child with oil . . . before it begins to suck." A midwife stimulating a newborn's natural desire to suck by rubbing the palate with something sweet is a vivid image. Train up a child" (Proverbs 22:6). What it means is this, dear friend: "put something in their mouth to be tasted"; "create a thirst—create a hunger—for the Word of God." You will never force-feed a child the Word of God.
". . . The Way He Should Go . . ." The Hebrew phrase can be translated literally, "upon the mouth of his way," which is an idiom meaning, "in accord with his way." The Hebrew idiom emphasizes his way and in accord with his or her personality, abilities, or natural interests. Proverbs 22:6 in The Amplified Bible: "Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it."
Well what are we going to do about the Bents in Your Bub?
I heard about a man, one time who was going to rob a bank. He was an old farmer, he couldn't pay for his food, and seed, and everything else. His wife was sick. He decided the only thing he could do was rob a bank, He had never robbed a bank, but he studied about it, watched movies about it and thought he'd know what to do. So, he got a bag, got an old gun, and he wrote a note "Don't mess with me. This is a stickup. Give me all your money," and he went in to the teller, got all confused, and handed the teller the gun, pointed the bag at her, and said, "Don't stick with me; this is a mess-up." Well, a lot of us mess up—we just mess up. And, our kids want to know, how do you handle your mess-ups? How do you handle your failures? How do you handle your problems?
We also know too well what it is to mess up and we don't want our kids to follow our own bad mess ups.
Now you will be glad to know I have practiced how to say Candidatory Committee! I did it at home until I could say it right!
Give Them an Example remember from last Sunday Love God sincerely, selflessly.
Give Them Unconditional Love Show It with Words Show It with Touch Show It with Sympathy
Give Them Constant Encouragement
Give Them Wise Instruction Train, train. Give instruction—line upon line, precept upon precept. The primary educational institution is the home. There are some of you, if I were to pull you out and bring you up here, you've been members of this church for years, maybe you couldn't name the Ten Commandments in order if I gave you a Ferrari. Our kids don't know the difference between right and wrong. "Chasten thy son while there is hope" (Proverbs 19:18).
Give Them Reasonable Restrictions
Proverbs 6, beginning in verse 20: "My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. 21 Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. 22 When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. 23 For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, 24 to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. (Proverbs 6:20–24).
We need to give them limitations. There are some things that need to be denied; they are restrictions. Think back to the Garden of Eden; God gave some limitations. God gave some restrictions to His original pair, Adam and Eve. Limitations don't bind the child; really, they set them free. When you give a child limitations, restrictions, he will push against them. If they give, that child will have no confidence whatsoever; he will feel unloved if those restrictions move. No limitation on a child implies that you have rejected that child. Now, limitations today are looked on as something bad, but they're not. And, sometimes we, as parents, need to stop trying to win popularity contests and just simply say there are some restrictions. Now, don't make a lot of little rules; make a few big ones, and keep them.
We do need to hear what Solomon says in proverbs and we need to be particularly careful in how we understand these verse. Too many have used these verses to treat children harshly and it doesn't work. It brreds bitterness and resentment. And we definitely don't want that!
The Bible says, "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him." "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" (Proverbs 22:15). "foolishness"—the word literally means "silliness"—"is bound [up] in the heart of a child" (Proverbs 22:15). R-O-D— does not mean a stick like the handle of a shovel. It's a word that can simply mean a branch, a twig, or like willow branch, that will sting, but do no harm.
Now the Book of Proverbs is strong on the word discipline.
First of all, if you love the child, you'll discipline the child. Proverbs 13, verse 24: " Whoever spares the rod hates his son. but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." (Proverbs 13:24). That means he does it early. You say, "Well, I just love him so much; I can't do it." You're telling a lie. You don't love him. You love you. It gives you displeasure, and, therefore, you don't do it—not out of love for the child, but out of selfish love for yourself. You're not better than God, and the Bible says in Hebrews 12:6 " For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
Are you better than God? "Whom the Lord [loves] he [chastens]" (Hebrews 12:6).
Prov 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
16 When the wicked increase, transgression increases, but the righteous will look upon their downfall. 17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
(Proverbs 29: 15-17).
Prov 23: 12 Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge.
13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
15 My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.
16 My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right.
17 Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the LORD all the day.
18 Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23:12–18).
Keep eternity in mind.
Now, that does not mean that you'll beat sin out of a child. Nobody can beat sin out of a child. It definitely does not mean child abuse. The Bible is very clear and very plain against any kind of child abuse. But, if the child that does not learn to respect authority from his parents, he will not respect authority in the schoolroom. He will not respect authority in the church. He will not respect God's authority. And, ultimately, he will become a rebel and a fool, and he will die and go to Hell.
Now let's look at the final section, "Even when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6b). The root meaning of the Hebrew word for old is "hair on the chin," which suggests an age of maturity when children become young adults and are able to make it on their own. The Hebrew word for depart means "to turn aside." When you help your children know their bents, they will follow their "way" and not turn aside from it. Why would they? They are living in harmony with how God made them.
Is this proverb a promise? Well, yes and no. It is a proverb. A Proverb speaks of tendencies. Likely outcomes. It isn't a promise. There are many very good parents that have had great difficulty with their children. It is saying this is the way things tend to work out. That does not mean that you can override your child's will. You can do everything right and your child can rebel against God. But, if you want to do everything right and give your child the best way, then train up a child in the way he should go.." do this anyway. Leave the results to God.
Growth Group Questions
What sort of differences do you notice about your children?
Brag on your kids awhile here.
What are some family sins that you notice in your forebears?
What is appropriate discipline?
Why is discipline necessary?
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